Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.

So, can we agree on 4 or

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”

Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.

Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster

gf: you know you could have just taken a photo

I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.

What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?

An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.

You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

[On a date]

Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth

Him: that’s so sweet

Me: no I mean right now

I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”

Well. That’s not a good sign.

*Grilling salmon

TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK

I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.

Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.

Bank manager: Get out.

“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.

English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”

I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.

you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog

Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it

Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.