Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?

Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.

Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.

If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.

I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat

Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?

they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome

My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?

Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.

When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”

Therapist: Talk about your friends.

Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…

T: That’s a Billy Joel song.

Me: You’re no fun.

Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.

Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.

ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane

I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”

I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.

my proudest tweet

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.

The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

*waits to answer so he misses me*

(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough

Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.

Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!

I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time

Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.

“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”

watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.

Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*

H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat