pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
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me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
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How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!