Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
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Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
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*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat![]()