Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gestures to my unmown yard*

“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”

*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*

“This, too, is for the pollinators.”

*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”

“Pollinators.”

wife: do u want a glass of water?

me: of what?

wife: water

me: a glass of what?

wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup

Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.

At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.

🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…

Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.

“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.

I feel a bit deprived…….

Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now

[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]

I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.

Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.

[first day as waiter]

Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?

Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.

I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

*first date*

Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!

Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!

My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy

every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea

HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”

Me: They were donut holes

HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”

Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?

HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?

Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell

Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.

Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock

I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.

I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

*couple walking through the house they just bought*

Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!

Wife: Really?

H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.

*later*

Friend: Is there an attic?

Husband: No.

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…

Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.

Cool, but now I’m scared…