Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.

I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.

He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach

So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.

there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you

I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.

[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]

Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*

ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?

[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most

me: why does my back hurt

also me:

ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—

whoville 911: what was that

me: the grinch robbed me

whoville 911: no the weird part

Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.

My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.

It’s an onion.

My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.

“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”

“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”

Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.

I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”

“You’re great in bed.”

— me, talking to my breakfast

*limbos away from your hug*

Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.

Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord