Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
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uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.