Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
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ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Good dog. ❤️
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?