Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
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[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.