Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
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Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
“YOU’RE GONNA GET THE HELL OVER HERE AND WATCH THIS CHRISTMAS MOVIE WITH US AS A FAMILY AND YOU’RE GONNA HAVE CHRISTMAS JOY!!”
– And other fun christmas things I say to my kids
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Glad they’re banning TikTok. It’ll be nice to be reunited with my kids, and see how much they’ve grown over the years.
lost dog
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.