Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Just act casual
Me:

It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.

-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”

Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn

Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?

Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.

Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.

Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.

It’s happened

I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room

Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻‍♀️

there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion

Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in

Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up

Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch

You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks

Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.

The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.

How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?

Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.

Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.

Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.

BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder

I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.

[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]

Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand

Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.

Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?