Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
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I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Mornin
Chicken bread
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home