Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.

Me: *pees on her leg*

Her: *screams*

Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!

Security: That’s for STINGS.

Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*

Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.

[screaming into the void]

MARCO

If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.

Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.

What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression

Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?

Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.

The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…

The difference is Staggering.

Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.

Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*

*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”

my one true gender

“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day

My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.

ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know

[being murdered]

me: thanks for doing this

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.

Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?

Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?

them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?

me: finger quotes sure

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!

I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.