Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.

god: you have outlived your purpose

dinosaurs: give us another chance

god: fine

dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this

The optimist sees the carrot.

The pessimist sees the stick.

I see the ranch dip.

8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

[First Date]

Him: And, how did you get here?

Me: My parents had sex.

Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack

My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.

What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?

The invention of the 2nd telephone

Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father

I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.

[car dealership]

“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”

fred flintstone: i’ll take it!

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling

Tower: Where are you, pilot?

Pilot: I’m over Cologne.

Tower: Your pungent odour has not gone unnoticed, but where are you?

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette

Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..

*dips cookie in barbecue sauce

team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special

meowth: hey

team rocket: we need it

meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk

team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do

Meowth: guys

team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love

The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?

I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

Gets drunk.

Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.

Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?