Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
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archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS
This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday
lumberjacks will cut a birch
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.