Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
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Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.