Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
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My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Don’t settle for someone who only microwaves leftover pizza. Find that special someone who puts it in the oven, forgets about it, sets off the fire alarm, and then blames the dog.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!