Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
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20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Driving between speed cameras is called intermittent fasting.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.