Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
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@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?