Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
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My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.