Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
You Might Also Like
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.