Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
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When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield