Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
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CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it