Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.

I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?

Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.

Me now: I would never date anyone.

If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.

*mutes Coronavirus*

*Twitter disappears*

I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.

this is the most humiliating day of my life

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

Mistakes were made

Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!

Female reproductive system: Hold my beer

So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲

[trying to unhook a bra]

*kung fu noises*

Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.

I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me

At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.

Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.

Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.

Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”

*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*