Packing for a 2 day trip like I’m gunna shit my pants 3 times and go swimming
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[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Yup
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
These aliens are taking forever.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”