Packing for a 2 day trip like I’m gunna shit my pants 3 times and go swimming
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Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me