Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
You Might Also Like
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back