In these tough times, you can pop in the Titanic DVD to watch rich people die painfully, their money powerless against the fury of nature
Packing for a trip, Husband says I don’t need to overpack. It is so cute how he thinks I’m coming back.
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ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Reporter got asked about any survivors of a plane crash & said ‘its up in the air’. Dude if it was up in the air we wouldn’t be in this mess
Girls. Don’t get upset if your twitter crush stars a really hot girl or even retweets her cause she is prolly really a dude. Stay calm.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
[hiding in the bushes]
Me:*whispering*they can’t see me
Cops: Sir. Your light up shoes are still flashing.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Every episode of my life starts with a short recap and the voice over says “Previously on wasted potential…”
Why are there so many books, movies and TV shows about clergy who solve mysteries?
I can’t even figure out which fuse box controls the church A/C that I’ve been told for 7yrs exists but which I’ve yet to feel.
And where do they fit in writing sermons between all the murders?