Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow

My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.

her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol

me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all

One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early

My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing

customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?

me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets

manager: can I talk to you

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.

It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?

ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.

I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73

Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.

I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?

I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.

i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone

Today I’m golfing.

Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.

if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal