*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
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Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
How is it still this week?
no
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
let’s discuss
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
I don’t get marriage
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait