Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror

Me: I’m on the carnival diet.

Person: You mean the carnivore diet?

Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.

[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?

Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*

Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-

*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*

Her *softly* holy shit

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?

The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.

I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings

Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.

{Me to my dogs}

No more table scraps.

(5 seconds later)

Here you go.

I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.

If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.

HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?

ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend

HIM: what?

ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low

HIM: what did you say?

ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂

aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.

I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?

I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up

I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!

If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?

My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”

Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”

Me: “I said that?”

My nickname in high school was “who?”

Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”

I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.

“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”