[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
You Might Also Like
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
bought wrong eggs
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming