[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
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It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.