Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”

I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.

My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”

Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…

If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.

I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see

[hospital]

Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!

Nurse: you have a great attitude!

Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )

Nurse: aw : )

[funeral]

My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working

Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

Only short people can save us

To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.

Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.

Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.

Hello Twits.

CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands

ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*

CDC: Also brush your teeth

WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*

CDC: And take out the garbage

WORLD: Wait what?

CDC: Go make your bed

WORLD: Stop it

CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean

at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.

WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?

I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??

Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”

My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

Well there goes my Wednesday night.

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer

gf: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i act like i know everything?

gf: yea-

me: i knew it

waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?

me: i gotta fight you for them?

Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!

Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?

If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?

Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.

Me: Almost? Quitter.