{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
You Might Also Like
I just saw three bowls of dessert.
I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
🤣could you imagine
