{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
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How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*