Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.

The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.

*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business

there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord

Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.

My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.

Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs

hair stylist: *visibly pales

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..

When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate

Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.

Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: *throwing up blood*

Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?

it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙‍♀️

<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?

Asking for a friend. x

I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet

banana peels are my favorite fall accessories

Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally

As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.

🤣🤣🤣

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?

Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.