Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.

My brother just sent me an angry text.

When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.

i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet

These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-

Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.

you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too

I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.

COP: I need to search your car.

ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band

Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly

Me:

Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.

I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.

Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me

Me:

Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”

Why do meteors always land in craters?

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.

What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?

{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}

Old Lady: Your son is adorable

4 yr. old: *running down aisles*

Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.

I cannot stop laughing at this

Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]

My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad

me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one