Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.

Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year

I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions

Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.

Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.

Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*

My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3

I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.

*Googles myself*

“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”

Day 2 of being Kidnapped.

Kidnappers have now committed suicide.

Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are

If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.

My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.

5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.

Me: Do they hurt your feet?

5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.

Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane

You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.

Me: This date is going well

Her: Yes

Me: You look sexy as hell

Her: Thank you

Guy she’s on a date with: dude

Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up

detective: when did this happen.

edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.

detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.

How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.

ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”

Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored

*holds seashell to ear*

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”