Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.

My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.

Phone

Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.

Me: It’s okay. I’m up.

Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?

Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.

Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?

What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.

I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.

lmfao come on

What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.

“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”

“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”

My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.

I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.

Veganism is responsible for The Fall.

Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.

People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore

Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.

May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos

Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.

Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?

Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.

“I’m a night owl”

All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.

How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?

[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult

My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full