Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.

The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.

DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor

ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on

Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!

No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire

an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??

[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job

me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?

dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling

Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.

My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.

[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?

What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat

What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus

me: the big windshield wipers

Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”

I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”

Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.

A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.

To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.

*bakes 12 cookies*

*waits for family to come home*

*eats 12*

*family arrives*

5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”

“Weird! Here’s a salad.”

[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”

What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.