Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
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“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
cat vs inanimate object
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)