Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
You Might Also Like
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
I’m sure it’s fine.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.