Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
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I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!