Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.

yea so i messed up lol

Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!

The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:

Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.

Me: OMG what happened?!

I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.

I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red

I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉

I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.

saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈

Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.

Zombies never bite hipsters.

They taste fine.

We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.

Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky

I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?

HER: do you have a retirement plan?

ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB

🤣🤣🤣

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.

So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.

When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.

“You’re a nice guy”

One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ

me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed

boss: ok how long?

me: just a normal bed

eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.

All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything

According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.

My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.

Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs

“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”

It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”