Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
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ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?