Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
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police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Sing it!
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that