Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
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Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.
I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Saturday
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”