Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
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hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
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[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
I know
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING