Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
You Might Also Like
Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
The booster protects against what, now?
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks