Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee

Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer

cow: I hate when you boss me around

farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?

cow: you herd me

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.

Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.

Instructor: Welcome to class.

Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER

If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send

My 4yo: Let’s play a game!

Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?

4: No. Yes.

“I can’t eat all of that!”

… and other lies I tell

Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices

sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot

Sign of the day..

Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.

What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?

I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.

And not ONE ab to show for it.

I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).

No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.

“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.

Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime

Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

Optometrist: better or worse

Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse

How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”

mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon

Spring of Deception