Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.

I put my pants on like everyone else.

with hope they still fit.

If you breakdance you buy dance.

when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”

ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear

THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?

ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s

I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one

Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.

If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn

“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement

My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine

one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse

WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say

being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other

Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?

Executioner: Ugh the WORST

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.

Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.

Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.

Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.

On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else

me: *quarantines self*

*runs out of wine*

me: *unquarantines self*

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

I just slipped on a banana peel.

It didn’t fit.

Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”

Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.

Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.