*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
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Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
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Expectations vs. Reality
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point