Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[date]

me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits

I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”

In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.

I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.

The comment ads on twitter are so trippy

“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”

“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

me *breaking the fourth wall*

architect: oh no

How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible

I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.

When do they kick in?

If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.

“What?”
– Jude

Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?

Me: Yes!

Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?

Me: Yes!

excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.

I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?

“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens

Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.

DR: your IQ test results are abysmal

ME: is… is that good?

Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.

when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”

It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.

My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.

Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.

[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty

Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?

12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?

Me: Yeah.

12: Don’t get any of it.

Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz

Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it

Dorothy: [inhaling]

Toto: FFS