Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at my funeral]

boss : you’re LATE

What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?

In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.

The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.

Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.

If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.

Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away

my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…

me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person

This is a post about animal excrement and the English language.

bull$#!% = nonsense/lies
chicken$#!% = petty or cowardly
horse$#!% = nonsense/lies
dog$#!%= low quality
ape$#!% = wild
bat$#!%= crazy

Ordered above from oldest to newest: bull$#!% (1914), bat$#!% (1971).

anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after

7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao

Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad

Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math

Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached

Heard this in a movie…

What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂

My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”

(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.

me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?

shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good

Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.

Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO

COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.

[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome

You can’t scare me; you’re not my credit card bill

My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.

Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.

Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..

Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..

No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.

What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)

My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI

“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”

*thief runs by, steals gold*

“Hey! You!”

Au, got it. Next element.

“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”