Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
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*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
What’s a Messi?
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.