Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

This was my dad’s browser history.

My 2022 Resolutions:

1. Don’t die

2. Race a sloth

3. Develop new trust issues

4. Offend more people by being myself

5. Don’t use hashtags

6. Keep tweeting crap like this

Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?

I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.

Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.

Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.

I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂

A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell

Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.

*Tries to get makeup off*

Makeup: I have a boyfriend.

After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.

Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk

No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh

Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely

In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.

I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.

I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.

[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!

this is one of the funniest videos of all time