Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
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the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af