Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
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Seems kinda suspicious
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Inside you there are two wolves
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
When they try to steal your moment.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better