Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.

My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.

when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg

Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed

If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy

No. YOU-buprofen.

before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.

10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?

Me: Sure, what flavor?

10: Swordmint

Me:

10: Sharpmint

Me:

10:

Me: Spearmint?

10: YES!

WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5

ME: ok

[later]

ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud

*Cracks knuckles*

“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.

How to be a politician 101:

Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.

Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit

Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”

Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?

I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.

Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly

my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.

Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”

Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.