Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: so I hear you’re a runner

ME: yes

OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know

An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings

“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”

The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.

*watch tv in separate rooms.

Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?

A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.

Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?

Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented

My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…

I’m no longer his favourite kid.

❤Missed connection❤

You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card

I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes

the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day

VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.

ME: I can’t run either.

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”

– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.

“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”

*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*

[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?

still him: oh dude, that’s my bong

optimus prime: did she just wink at me?

me: i think she’s turning left

Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.

What light through yonder window breaks…

Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!

playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.

Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.

Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.