Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
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We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
twitter is a journey
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own