paddle faster i hear baby shark
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By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.