paddle faster i hear baby shark
You Might Also Like
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Saying “OPEN IMMEDIATELY” on mail is very threatening & that’s why I’ll never do it. Show me some respect.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.