[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
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I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
The Eggorcist
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
“What’s wrong with you?”
Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
For anyone who needs this today
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.