Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
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My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?