My son is worried about being on Santa’s nice list but rather than change his behavior he has decided to continue worrying, and that is actually quite relatable.
Me: Why are you in my bed?
8: It’s definitely not because there are crumbs in mine.
I was enjoying listening to this barista loudly roast every customer to her coworker as they exited until she referred to “the old guy” who was clearly my age.
it was the f*ck this of times
it was the f*ck that of times
If you had purchased extra tape a month ago, then put it away in a safe place until it was time to wrap presents, where–hypothetically–might that have been
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: There is snow in my paw and now you must carry me.
“I asked Santa for a real duck.”
— My child, trying to break me 3 days before Christmas
in the divorce i get custody of the little plate in the microwave
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet
You ever been to r/foodsafety? It’s literally just a hypochondriac circlejerk. Posts like “this chicken has been in a serving tray for 2 hours what do I do?” “Throw it out, it will kill your whole family!”
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself… Probably had it coming anyway
Hate it when i pull out a winter coat and there’s no money or drugs stashed in it
murder is like cilantro. you either love it or it tastes like soap.
When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent
hate when dogs are anxious. you don’t even understand the concept of money