my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*
Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.
Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash
I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one
“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”
I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away
I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.
Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.
just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth
I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.
Saturday
