The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.
If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges
I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse
Two hundred and sixty two words is not a manifesto; I’ve written more than that about a good oil change
Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu
— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024
[Wine tasting]
Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?
— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024
My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.
You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.
Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.
Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!
Me: *don’t care*
Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie
Me: *jealous rage*
We could all be hibernating right now but noooooo we have to be “adults” with “responsibilities”
“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.
Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.
Batman: I’m going to adopt you, young teenager.
Robin: Great!
Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.
Robin: Ummm….
Batman: Now, let’s do calisthenics together.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Just got a message from my kid’s teacher that she still needs someone to sign up for plates/napkins for the Christmas party and this is a trap, right?