If someone starts a sentence with “Words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway!
I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.
no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.
Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
Me: STOP!*turns my chair to get a better view
Me: Carry on.
Given my tendency to overthink, it would be reasonable to expect my decisions to be better.
I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone
Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth– the groceries in the back of my car
If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts
The new American dream is an alien invasion.
To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.
Hope that helps.
Have you ever gone hiking through the mountains for several days? When you finally arrive at your campsite and you drop the 40lb sack you’ve been carrying on your back, you feel reborn. You feel free again. Anyways, both of my kids are staying with their grandparents this week.
Hawk o the mornin tuah
Why are clothes so expensive? It should not cost this much to not be naked. As a matter of fact, people should be paying me not to be naked.