The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.
Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.
“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.
Blindsided me.
i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her
Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way
Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around
Never deleting this app.
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.
Creepy-crawlies
ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up
Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.
Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.