“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
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setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.