Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.