Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.