I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks