“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
You Might Also Like
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed