I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis