media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.